Category Archives: Jacqueline

Dealing with disappointment…

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Head in Hands

Life often seems full of disappointments – either big ones like not getting a second date with that guy you really like, not getting a cure for that chronic condition you are living with or not getting that job after doing a brilliant interview; and trivial ones too e.g. not getting those tickets for that concert, not losing weight before your holiday or not finding the last piece of the jigsaw. It is too easy to say we wouldn’t get disappointed if we didn’t have expectations – after all we’re human!

The Dalai Lama talks about the two arrows of suffering – the first is the hurt that arrives in our life over which we have no control and the second one is the way we deal with it – which we do have a choice about – we can dodge that arrow or take it out. In other words we can develop coping strategies. However there is often a time gap between the two arrows I think – or we can create one if we need it i.e. we can allow ourselves time to lick our wounds and process the feelings – it is okay to be upset sometimes – so we can take a time out for that.

Positive emotions…

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Ten-positive-emotions

Recently I have been taking part in a MOOC (a multimedia on-line open-access course) about positive psychology – led by Dr Barbara Fredrickson. I have really enjoyed learning about the 10 most important positive emotions (as listed in the picture) and how noticing and embracing them more than negative emotions can have a positive effect on our physical and mental wellbeing. The ideal is to have 3 positive emotions for every one negative one.

She renames love as positive resonance and explains how we can increase this in our lives and therefore help our own health and others’ wellbeing, by using loving-kindness meditation and/or making the most of micro-moments of shared connections with other people we meet in our daily lives. This doesn’t have to be just our family and close friends, but can be anybody we meet.

Questions…

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On one of Manfred Mann’s albums there is a song called “Questions”. I have some questions that are making me think more than usual at the moment; partly as a result of reading  “A Briefer History of Time”  by Stephen Hawking – which I was inspired to do after seeing the film “The Theory of Everything”. He talks about space-time being the 4th dimension and how one cannot exist without the other and also about how our universe is forever expanding (not shrinking as The Muse suggested!). In which case where is heaven? If it is outside the universe then how can it function without space or time? (It certainly puts paid to any ideas about ghosts.)

 

Also as a psychologist I have often questioned the Christian idea of the soul. Psychologists talk about the self not the soul and even Christians no longer believe the soul is in the heart; if pushed they may say it is in the brain. Yet the brain is just white and grey matter and neurons – no soul there? Also the self can change and does so drastically when someone gets dementia so ….?

It seems as I get older I have more questions than answers – maybe that is a sign of wisdom?!The Roaring Silence (Remastered)

Changes…

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David Bowie“Changes” in the words of David Bowie can be facing the strange. So how many of you are still keeping your new year resolutions? (Mine are a work in progress so I cannot really comment!) My daughter said the other day that new year resolutions should not be just a fad but a life change – easier said than done.

As a health psychologist I have learnt a huge amount about behaviour change, but one of the theories I am going to talk about today is one favoured by exercise/sport psychologists: namely self-determination theory – SDT (Deci & Ryan) which suggests that there are three important aspects of changing behaviour: (i) be autonomous i.e. you choose how you are going to change your behaviour and what to do – don’t let anyone else decide that for you; (ii) competency – choose something that you have been successful at before or something you have a good chance of mastering i.e. be realistic; (iii) support – this is what it says on the tin e.g. an exercise buddy. Make plans too – be specific e.g.make a decision about which day and what time you are going to introduce this habit change.

Also SDT emphasis the importance of intrinsic motivation i.e. do something that you enjoy, so in the words of Bowie again – “Let’s Dance”?

Great expectations…

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Xmas pressie downloadIs anyone feeling stressed about Christmas yet? Has anyone ever had that feeling of anti-climax on Boxing Day or soon after? This could be for one of two reasons – maybe we’re not looking after ourselves properly- it’s important to still exercise and eat healthily at this time of year- even if we’re having the odd mince pie as well and perhaps drinking up to our allowed limit! And it is important to still take time to be by ourselves- even if we are an extrovert.

I remember last Christmas I thought I would do a good thing and help out in Bath with a large lunch for the lonely, but I did not enjoy it at all (even though it was still a good thing to do); I was sat next to a gentleman who was deaf in one ear- I had a paranoid schizophrenic sitting opposite me and behind me another chap who had a problem with flatulence – and then to top it all the after dinner entertainment was a man with a ukulele! Luckily I can act- so I was a good host and plastered a smile on my face. However I did not get that buzz afterwards you sometimes get when you have helped someone.

I came to the conclusion that this was because my expectations were too high – the other reason why the 12 days of Christmas are often an anti-climax – this is often a problem for optimists! So this year I am going to spend Christmas with my children and have no expectations of how it will be- this way I think I will be able to enjoy a true Christmas gift- the present- whatever that may turn out to be.

Mindfulness

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I have mentioned mindfulness before in previous blogs, but not in its own right. The blog about grounding is just one mindfulness technique – there are many and it is not just about meditating. It is about living in the present with acceptance and compassion, but without judgement. It is about being rather than doing – after all we are human beings; think about the last time you just lived right here, right now and just enjoyed what you were seeing or hearing or tasting or feeling just for its own sake. Small children are good at just being in the present – watch a toddler absorbed with playing with duplo for example – they are not worrying about the future or the past. It is amazing how much happier you feel when you practise mindfulness.

Some Christians have doubts about mindfulness because it originates in Buddhist thinking, but the techniques can easily be separated from the religion; even Jesus was mindful sometimes- in the gospels it refers to him saying- don’t worry about tomorrow – today has enough problems of its own.

It doesn’t mean we become complacent and never make plans – there is a time for planning and a time for looking back on fond memories, but a lot of the time our minds are like hamsters on a wheel – just going over the same issues again and again- we can get off though when we want to. At the moment I am between salaried jobs and therefore spending more time at home (Rachael’s Retreat) and I am applying for new research posts, but I have found that I can be concerned about the future and yet not worry about it.

Our cottage

 

Forgive and forget?

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The six main religions disagree on how many times you should forgive someone- but they all agree on one thing and that is forgiveness is a good thing- for your own peace of mind if nothing else. In time forgiveness is often possible once we have had the space needed to process our feelings, but forgetting is much more difficult. Like it says in the quote below – we actually may need to remember what we have learnt from the experience; and this sometimes may involve ending toxic relationships if they are harming us.

However forgetting is also difficult to do because we don’t really have any control on the thoughts that pop into our minds, but we can decide how we respond to those thoughts- a negative train of thought may pull up in the station of our mind and sit there next to the platform, but we can choose whether to get on board or not; and if we choose not to get on board, that train will eventually leave the station. It may come in again the next day- but we can deal with it in the same way.Quotes-about-life-on-life

Anger issues?

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All sorts of things can make us angry…and sometimes anger is justified and sometimes it isn’t…but quite often it is our beliefs and expectations that will affect whether we get angry or not and these in turn are influenced by our upbringing and our experiences of life.Then if we do feel anger – how do we act on it? It often depends on what mood we’re in and whether we are in pain or tired etc. but also it is about our inhibitions, which is why some people show their anger to people they love and not in the public domain! Hence the expression “Angel on the street but a Devil at home”

What are good ways of dealing with anger and frustration?  Mindfulness can help – it will pass… and the traffic lights system is a good one: Red is the anger when you feel it, Amber is the time you have to give yourself to think about it and Green is when it is safe to act. On a deeper level we sometimes get angry because we think the world owes us happiness – this is a trap – if we stop striving for happiness we can sometimes find moments of joy in everyday things.
Angry face

Friends or enemies?

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cat and dogFor various reasons I have been inspired to write about the relationship between therapy and faith. Of course there are books and journal articles written about this and even a special research unit devoted to this at the University of Cambridge, but these are my thoughts: Some psychotherapists would not discuss anything about themselves with their client and certainly not any religious views; this is perhaps indicative of a certain type of training. However I consider it to be rude if a client asks me a question and I answer it with “why do you need to know that?” Obviously in the session the focus is on the client, but there is nevertheless a therapeutic relationship going on that involves two or more people, including the therapist. If a client brings spirituality into the room then it is up for discussion. Also one could argue that Christian or Buddhist values can enhance using techniques such as mindfulness.

There is perhaps a historical take on this- psychologists in the early days were often atheists or agnostics either because they considered themselves to be pure scientists (and science and religion used to clash) or because they thought that being part of a faith group could cause you to repress your emotions (put v simply).

However as a health psychologist I have read of the benefits to physical health that are brought about by being part of a community and by living a life where you have respect for your own body. I think that having a purpose in life means you are less likely to be depressed.

 

 

A tourist in your own town…

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Today Kevan and I were tourists in our own town; he hadn’t seen the Roman Baths before. How many times do people say -I have lived in this place for X number of years and I have never visited such and such…? So after living in the South-West for nearly 5 years, we though it was about time we paid a visit. 

Likewise we tend to take for granted the people we live with and it’s not just about brownie points. However if we do small acts of kindness for the people we live with, then it can sometimes make up for the times we have snapped at them. Try it and see what happens…
Baths 1