Category Archives: Jacqueline

Annoying spouses?!

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My husband and I recently celebrated 13 years of marriage and in fact we have been together for over 23 years…Most of my family and friends would agree we do bicker sometimes, so it amused me when The Psychologist magazine in March had an article on annoying partners.

Apparently a survey of British people found that a third considered their partner to be the most annoying person they know! There are some things, like snoring for example, that we can’t do anything about; but there are other common behaviours, like scrolling on your phone when someone is trying to talk to you, that you can alter… Also stress at work is something that partners often take home with them and that in turn can lead to over reactions about their partner’s behaviour…The good news is that as we get older we get better at managing tensions in our romantic relationships.

Good communication is key and that is something I often help my clients with. Obviously for serious problems the best option is to go to a couples therapist (which I am not!) And ultimately we cannot do anything to control another person’s behaviour -we can only control our own.

Acknowledgement comes first…

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I find that many people respond to another’s mental or physical health problems with advice even if it isn’t asked for! There is nothing wrong with advice (as long as the offerer knows what they are talking about); after all I am a CBT therapist and I often give advice to my clients, as CBT is like a box of tools… However acknowledgment and empathy must come first, even if it’s as simple as: “That must be awful.” The sufferer wants to feel heard and they may choose to heed your advice or not – that is their prerogative.

Manifestation is magical thinking!

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There seems to be a great deal on social media at the moment about manifestation and celebrities are talking about it too. Even BBC Radio Two had someone on this morning talking about a book they had written on it for children.

Manifestation is not goal setting and it is not visualisation – it is merely magical thinking where people believe that by wishing for something they are going to make it happen!

It is good to be optimistic, but if reframing failure carries on despite evidence to the contrary, then false hope and denial can become harmful. In fact in The Psychologist this month it talks about a study carried out where they found that manifesters were more likely to make risky financial decisions.

Music and Emotions…

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In parts of Afghanistan they are trying to ban music by burning musical instruments, maybe because they think it effects people’s morals? But music is for the receiver and once composed the composer has no control over it…

This reminded me of an article in the Psychologist this month about sound and sensation being universally linked..i.e. listening to music can trigger goose bumps, make you feel sad or frightened or get you ready for dancing.

A study in Finland found that across cultures different types of music could evoke different emotions, which were then in turn linked to different bodily sensations…for example songs or music perceived to be sad were associated with the chest and the head….our emotional responses to music transcend cultural boundaries.

So life without music would be dry, but luckily the human voice can never be banned and anyone can sing!

Tips for revision and exams…

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Here are some tips for exam season that I have adapted from The Psychologist:

  • Address your weaknesses by doing practise tests to find out what they are so you can concentrate on them.
  • Design a specific and varied revision timetable well in advance, that includes time off!
  • Try explaining the more complex topics to your parents or siblings.
  • Use whatever motivates you drink and food wise, as well as a quiet place and good stationery.
  • Revise things that are hard to remember before going to sleep and then you are more likely to dream about them and remember them the next morning.
  • If exams make you anxious use whatever helps with the anxiety, whether it be the breathing techniques or a lucky item to take in with you…
  • If you are female and taking exams in the sciences – talk to your friends and remember you belong with that subject just as much as your male peers.
  • Reframe nerves as excitement!
  • Remind yourself that this too will pass.
  • If you don’t do as well as you hoped try to think of your future self in 5 year’s time and what you might be dong then and what he/she might say to you.

Narcissism…

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Most of us will have learnt about the god Narcissus during our classics education at school. However not all attractive people are narcissists and it is certainly the case that not all narcissists are attractive!

As a personality trait narcissism is on a continuum like any other personality trait, but those at the top end can be labelled as having narcissistic personality disorder. These people tend to have a high sense of entitlement, like to control others, talk about themselves all the time and only like to be associated with the “top” people! It can be caused by being put on a pedestal by one of your parents in childhood and then cruelly knocked off that pedestal by either the other parent or peers or school teachers. It is a psychological defence mechanism and can also be a learnt behaviour and/or inherited from a narcissistic parent.

If you have a narcissistic friend it is relatively easy to avoid them. However it is more difficult when it is a member of your own family or someone you work with. And when you start to stand up for yourself the relationship can become toxic….If the narcissist is an in-law you can again try and avoid them, but if it is a member of your family who you care about it is more difficult to manage… the best thing you can do is hold onto your self-compassion and don’t allow them to gaslight you.

Breathing…

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A recent study found that the type of breathing I teach to my clients is the best type for anxiety, stress and anger. Better than the types of breathing taught for yoga /Pilates or meditation…. And quite often when I ask them in the final session what helped them most – it is usually the breathing technique…

Unpaid labour and mental health…

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I had a male client the other day who came into my place without wiping his feet and then walked muddy footprints over my floor…Maybe he didn’t notice? Or maybe he didn’t care because I am a woman?!

In the Psychologist this month it says that in the UK women do 60% more unpaid work than men… and in other places, especially developing countries it will be more. Women spend more time cooking, cleaning, in childcare and elderly adult care than men do and that is often on top of a paid job too. A recent study found that this impacts women’s mental health more so than it does men’s – not just because they are doing more, but also because they are less likely to be thanked for it.

My husband and I have a fairly good divide on domestic duties and I often tell people I am lucky – but I shouldn’t even have to frame it like that – it should be the norm! And we often thank each other… However next time this client comes I won’t expect my husband to wipe the floor after him, but I will be asking said client to wipe his feet…

Why are we sad?

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I am not sure that the very young and the anti-monarchists are sad, but judging by the 1000s of people that have visited her coffin in state, many of us are sad at the death of our Queen Elizabeth II. Some older people will remember a previous monarch, but those of us born in the 50s, 60s or 70s will only have lived under this Queen.

She has been with my generation throughout our whole lives – from the stamps we use to the prayers in church to the name of one of the best rock bands and all those Jubilee celebrations…. We are also old enough to remember how badly Charles treated Princess Di and therefore may have reservations about him as King?

Some say it is sad because she reminded us of our own mothers or grandmothers (even if they haven’t died yet). But it is perhaps more than that – this death triggers all our losses: past, present and future…. However it is ok to be sad and this too will pass.